Once Upon a Time

I have a complicated crush. I think it's mutual, but I'm not sure. Feels like I'm back in college. Anyway, I'm going to see if he makes any advances. I always rush into these things and it generally bites me in the ass. Now that I have a little more emotional maturity under my belt, I can just enjoy our friendship for what it is and see if something more develops naturally. But if he asked me out, I wouldn't complain. :)

Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Saturday is dinner at the Melting Pot and then spending the night with Mike at my apartment! It's been way too long since we've fallen asleep in each others arms. *ecstatic*

This weekend I missed out on the PD, TNG party, and rope group. But there will always be other events. I never could have made up the awesomeness of what I experienced at my Landmark Advanced Course. 50 people came to Cincinnati from Columbus, Bloomington, Lexington, Louisville, and Cincinnati itself for an intense weekend of sharing and growth. From 10 am until midnight on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we laughed and cried and listened. We became community. Our course leader shared various distinctions through which I will forever view my life and what is possible.

Other than that, I can't explain what Landmark is. But I can share what I got from it. I realized that I've never truly cared about other people before. I've only cared about "what's in it for me". And the predominant story of my life - my "act" if you will - is that I tell myself I can't handle things. That's why I always either run away or complain. I'm giving up that act. I can handle anything. I can live a life of love, acceptance, power, and playfulness.

One specific result that came out of the weekend is that I am enjoying work today. That hasn't happened in a long time. As an academic advisor, I've just been going through the motions. Today, I listened to my students because I care about them! Not because I have to listen to them as a job requirement. I heard their concerns, fears, and frustrations. I connected with them! It was truly amazing to see the difference that it makes when you REALLY care about people, not just go through the motions to look good.

That being said, I missed everyone this weekend very much. I look forward to creating new relationships with all of you and I am so excited for what is possible in my life and yours.

I'm happy with these results. A few months ago I'm sure I would have been squarely in the "Depressed" category. It feels nice to be "normal". :)

kevan.org/johari

And let me know if the link doesn't work. :)

(Description of a scene follows. Nothing too offensive, but just a disclaimer in case you don't want to read it.)

It was about 10:30 when Mike took me to a tucked-away corner of the NLA party. A place where people could still see me if they wanted, but I'd be out of the way. He sat me down on the ground. First came the straightjacket with my arms pulled tight behind my back. Then he tied my legs together at the ankles and then the calves. Finally, he put me into the hood with the built-in gag. At that point he pressed me into the wall and told me he was going to leave me there until he felt like coming back for me.

I think it was about half an hour later when I felt a strong kick against my thigh. Then it happened again and again all over my leg and ass. For two more hours he came back for me at various intervals. Kicks and slaps. Being grabbed and groped. Thrown down on the floor in various positions. Stepped on and stomped on. Face wedged between the floor and his shoe. And the best part was when he would lean down on top of me and say all sorts of mean, yummy things in my ear. He didn't release me until 1 am and even then I wasn't ready to stop. Subspace is such a great place. :)

So about a month ago I had my performance review at work and got a raise. 3% for performance and an additional 1% for market equity. Then yesterday I got a letter from HR in my work mailbox. I'm getting an additional 4% for internal equity. So basically I got a raise on top of a raise! An extra $2,500 a year! That's enough to more than take care of my car payment. Plus I cancelled my cable and have a car with better gas mileage. And I'm eating out less. Let's hear it for saving money!

Post the answers in your own journal or as a comment.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? Yes, i'm happily owned by Mike.
02) What was your dream growing up? I wanted to be a ballerina or figure skater.
03) What talent do you wish you had? I am musical, but I'd love to be visually artistic as well (drawing, painting, etc.)
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? Long island iced tea...with Master's unlikely permission
05) Favorite vegetable? Broccoli
06) What was the last book you read? Currently reading "Unlimited Power" by Mike's favorite, Tony Robbins
07) What zodiac sign are you? Aries
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? If so, what and where. Just earrings for now, but I'd like to get other piercings... ;)
09) Worst Habit? Procrastination
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Walking is good for you, but I'd wave as I drove by. :P
11) What is your favorite sport? Football
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? Realistic
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Call 911 and then chat until rescue arrived.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? When "bad things" happen, I usually come out fine.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. I was a church organist for 5 years.
16) Do you have any pets? A black cat named Zoe
17) What would you do if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? Be a little freaked out since nobody knows my address.
18) What was your first impression of me? Friendly, but guarded
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scary
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Weight (working on it)
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Conscience
22) What color eyes do you have? Blue-green
23) Ever been arrested? Nope.
24) Bottle or can soda? It's pop and FOUNTAIN
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? Pay off my car
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at? Mike's
28) Do you believe in ghosts? No.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? Be with Mike. :)
30) Do you swear a lot? Yes, but not as much as I used to.
31) Biggest pet peeve? Songs that start with the word "And"
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? Searching
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? It's ok in small doses.
34) Favorite and least favorite food? Favorite: pizza  Least favorite: cooked carrots 
35) Do you believe in God? Yes.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? Done.

If any of my posts or replies have come off as defensive or seem like i'm taking things personally, i haven't intended to do so. This is a quality that Mike is helping me work on, but since it is a habit i may do it without realizing it. If you ever have a question about something that i've said, feel free to ask me. i'll try not to take it personally. :) i think i may be done journaling for a while, though. i let people's opinions of what i have to say get to me too much so i think i should either stop writing or turn off comments.

After reading the comments and talking with Mike, i'm going to Landmark Forum. i don't think it's for me, but that's not my decision. He thinks i should go, so i'm going. i don't think it's a waste of time to follow His orders, but that's just me. He says that it can be beneficial no matter what the reason for going. He is the most important person in my life, so i don't think doing it for Him is a bad reason to go at all.

Today I had my phone conversation with my Landmark Forum person. (I don't know her title, but she's the person I call between now and the Forum if I want to have a conversation about it.) It actually went a lot better than I thought. For one thing, I had a couple of answers to the "Why are you doing the Landmark Forum?" question other than "Because my Master told me to." Plus, she came across as a real person. The people leading the Introduction seemed very plastic. I felt like she understood me and that she wouldn't bullshit me. That was nice.

So, for those of you who are well-versed in the language that is Landmark...any helpful hints? I'm a pretty cynical person. I'm not much for "creating stories" and "seeing the possibilities for myself." It's enough to make me want to throw up, to be quite honest. Help? It's in December and I'm already dreading the fuck out of that weekend...

Okay, i hate to seem like i'm being idealistic and naive, but i just had one of the best weekends of my life. Mike and i had the whole weekend from friday night to sunday afternoon to spend together...alone!! it was amazing. we were able to play and laugh and talk and play and snuggle and just relax together. As a precursor to this weekend, he had sent me an e-mail on Thursday afternoon in response to our fight that prompted my earlier devastation. Suffice it to say, the e-mail made me cry tears of happiness. i could tell that He had put a lot of thought into writing it and it showed some true understanding of my frustration and confusion.

So, while i'm not 100% confident, i'm pretty damn hopeful that things will be ok. i do appreciate everyone's support and i offer the same to anyone who needs to talk.

Wow, thanks again for all the support. I wanted to respond individually to the comments, but I wasn't sure if people would be notified that I had responded. Can someone let me know about that? Otherwise I'll just keep writing here.

I am in Columbus 3-4 times a week. That may change if Mike and i break up, but i'm only 45 minutes away so i don't have any problem making a trip up as long as i'm spending a decent amount of time (a few hours or so). When it comes to "breaking into the community" I feel like I'm at that point where most people know me and like me, but I'm still on the outskirts as far as building close friendships. There are obvious subgroups (not necessarily cliques) that hang out together and it's hard to know how to integrate myself. While I would like to be more involved in activities outside of scheduled events, I don't want to jump up and down shouting "Hey, be my friend!" either. Not sure where this is going except to say that i was not expecting comments from many of you and it means a lot to me to be considered a friend.

To get the ball rolling, I know that most of you will be at the rope meeting on Sunday. Do a few of you want to go to dinner afterwards? 

As for the happiness conversation, it is hard for me to understand the concept of being happy for myself and having a Dominant who is supposed to be my entire world. (Not that all D/s relationships are like that, but ours is.) And I think it was hanshab who said that fighting isn't necessarily a bad thing. I totally agree. But Mike hates fighting and when we try to communicate, we often don't understand each other. This is not a preference for him because he wants a relationship that is easy and happy. I can't be happy unless he is happy, but when I try to communicate my unhappiness he gets unhappy and...well, you can see the vicious cycle. I just want so badly to be what he wants me to be. And I'm trying SO hard to do everything the way he wants it. Why isn't that enough?

First of all, Jerry: Sunday is definitely a go. ; ) Karen and Lori: Thank you for your support. I wish I lived closer to Columbus so I could get to know you and everyone else better. But I am enjoying reading the LJ entries and hopefully there will be more social events in the future so I can hang out more.

Mike and i aren't broken up...yet. But it's hard not to feel like that moment is quickly approaching. Things can be perfect one minute and then the next minute we are fighting which ends with me crying and Him shut down and silent. He and i just have such different outlooks on life. i try so hard to understand Him, but it's as if we speak two different languages most of the time. And then just when i think we have D/s figured out, He tells me something different than i thought and everything is out of whack again.

None of this is a criticism of Him or me as people. i just want so badly for us to be compatible because i love Him so much. And i feel that i'll have nothing and nobody if we break up. Am i settling? Am i trying too hard? i don't know. i just know that things can't last much longer like this.

Well, that happiness was short-lived...

Okay, a real post this time. It seems that nearly everyone I've met in the past few months is on LJ, so I thought it would be important for me to get into it. First, I just want to say how excited I am to have joined so many great BDSM groups and met so many awesome people. It's not that I was scared to join earlier. I just never though I needed anything outside of my D/s relationships. If only I knew what I'd been missing!

I started with TNG. Then AIS in general. Then MORAL, PRS, NLA, SORE, CORDs, and PolyColumbus. I've only met a couple of people that I really just can't connect with on some level. I'm hoping that this journal will be yet another opportunity to make connections and learn more about myself, others, and the lifestyle.

It took me a while to come up with a good username. I wanted it to be somewhat related to Mike. Then all of a sudden it hit me. Mike's number one standard for me is that I be relaxed and happy. This may seem easy, but for me it is often the hardest thing to do. It is getting easier everyday, but I still need a reminder sometimes. Thus, my username.

Speaking of Mike, I'm not yet sure what I want this journal to be. I could easily fill it with talk about Him and our relationship. It has most definitely had it's ups and downs. I'm a monogamous girl with the most poly person in existence. And He's a non-service-oriented Dom with a submissive who lives for service. But, we're still together. Somehow making it work. And I am honestly a better person for having him in my life. I've never had a relationship like that before. I'm definitely not going to blow it. No pun intended. :D